Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
There's always time for handjobs
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
