Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
