Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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