i would punch a child for taco bell
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
