you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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