dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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