I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize