Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
