She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
