Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
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