apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Banned from zoo.
Again?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Randomize
