you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
