Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
