Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
