dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Randomize
