My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
