I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
