I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
