Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
