If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Come share oat with me in your robe
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
