so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
