My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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