Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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