Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
