God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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