This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
