So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
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