My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
