It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
