i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
