Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
