I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
