DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Randomize
