found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Randomize
