I must be too annoying 4 u.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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