how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Randomize