i just made my gag reflex go away.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
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