I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
