my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
