Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
as a side note pls kill me
Randomize
