the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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