I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
