Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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