You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
