Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
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