the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
