And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
