Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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