hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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