My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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