Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Randomize
