Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
