I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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