I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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