well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
