I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
