I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
