My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
