You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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