Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
they're like a gay fantastic four
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
