i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize