am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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